Don’t you just love it when politicians say: “I mis-spoke”?
Republican congressman Todd Akin’s breathtakingly Neanderthal assertion that women’s bodies automatically prevent pregnancy if they’re victims of what he calls “legitimate rape” — his argument against allowing abortion even in cases of rape — has brought suitably righteous wrath down upon him. Today he says he “mis-spoke.” Though he doesn’t say exactly how.
So here’s what I’m guessing is Akin’s’ un-mis-spoken version:
Look, we all know that women lie. Jesus Christ, they lie all the time. What’s a guy to do? So she’s a little drunk, okay, and she’s saying ‘No,’ okay, but you know she doesn’t mean it, because women never do, so you give her what she wants and then the next morning what does she do but cry rape? That, my friends, is what I mean by illegitimate rape.
To be legitimate, it’d damn well better be violent. At knifepoint or gunpoint. And those Wahhabi or Taliban types or whatever they call themselves out there in Afghanistan and whatnot have a good point: either you’ve got four witnesses that she was violently raped or forget it, she’s just covering her ass by lying. And she’s a little whore to boot. Serves her right, is what I say.
Fact is, if she gets pregnant, you can be just about one hundred percent sure she wasn’t really raped, because I know some wonderful doctors who assure me that women’s bodies are like that: you know, they’re such conniving bitches, they can control whether they get pregnant or not. If they don’t want, they just shut down. Something in their bodies just switches off. Factory’s closed, know what I mean?
No I haven’t checked their medical credentials, and I can’t tell you their names off the cuff, but I can tell you they’re God-fearing Christian doctors, all highly recommended by one of the one hundred pastors who’ve endorsed my campaign for senator for this great state of Missouri — pastors like that good man in Florida, Terry Jones, total victim of the Muslim-loving bend-over-backwards politically-correct liberal east-coast media elite.
These doctors, they’ve got Christian ethics, so they’re not about to let some hysterical woman who went and got herself pregnant worm her way out of it with an abortion. They know that if a woman doesn’t want to get pregnant, she doesn’t. If she does want to — well, there’s lots of guys out there who can testify to having been tricked into marriage by some bitch who went and got herself pregnant. Am I right or am I right, guys? Hey? Y’know what I mean?
What’s that? The Centers for Disease Control say that over 32,000 women a year get pregnant as a result of rape? Well there’s big government for you. The CDC will be one of the first government-funded institutions to be abolished when my pals Romney and Ryan get into the White House. We’ll close that bunch of liberal pseudo-scientists down.
So yeah, those woman who really are raped — legitimately raped — I guess one or two might have their bodies let them down and somehow get pregnant. But hey, nobody asked them to go and get raped. And we can’t go allowing them to have abortions like a get-out-of-jail-free card. That’d be wrong, my friends. Wrong in the eyes of the Lord.
Goddammit they’re gonna have those kids and raise ’em, whether they want to or not. And don’t let them think we’re gonna help them. We’re going to shut down all those programs that allow single mothers to freeload off decent hard-working Christian citizens of this country who have the good sense not to and get themselves raped. We’re going to bring decency back to America, my friends. We’re going to bring ethics back to America. God bless America.