Overwhelmed by religion? Lost your faith in modern medicine? Never fear: you too can be healed. If not saved, at least salved.
The good news gospel (all it takes is a pinch or two of irony) comes from the Art Healing Ministry under the pastorship of conceptualist Alexander Melamid, newly opened in NYC and offering a wide array of products, services, and personal treatment sessions.
The services on offer include:
ART-HOME CLEANSING:
The power of certain Masterpieces, chosen by our experts according to your dwelling’s artistic demands and deficiencies, is harnessed to get rid of your home’s harmful impurities on spiritual and molecular levels. These masterpieces will be driven robotically across the surface of your floor for two or more hours, depending on the size of your home.
Among the products, you might want to snap up the happiness box (a steal at $100), a pair of Van Gogh stress-relieving insoles, or a couple of bottles of art-infused drinking water, guaranteed to bless you with the healing power of good taste.
Or you could choose any of the series of Healing Power of Art books and downloads “customized for the great museums of the world, featuring detailed, annotated floor plans indicating the best periods, artists, and paintings for a wide spectrum of afflictions.”
Back pain? – Vermeer is recommended. Hay fever? – Monet. Anemia? – Pollock. PMS? – Raphael. Repetitive stress injury? — Warhol.
The healing-art gospel was revealed to Melamid shortly after his earlier work with Vitaly Komar on ‘Painting by Numbers: Komar and Melamid’s Scientific Guide to Art.’ Published in 1997 complete with full results from “capitalism’s most venerated tool, the market research poll,” the book detailed what Americans want in art (broken down every which demographic way and including comparative polls from nine other countries). Click here for the most wanted and least wanted paintings, or be content to behold the glory of George Washington and the Hallelujah sky in the painting anointed America’s most wanted:
