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At The Recording Studio

Posted January 15th, 2016 by Lesley Hazleton

Many strange things happened this week, but this was one of the strangest.

I was in the middle of a two-day recording session for Agnostic: A Spirited Manifesto, experiencing the delight of reading my own work for the audio-book. Standing alone in a padded room, just me and the microphone a few inches from my mouth, I moved my arms – indeed my whole body — as I spoke, as though I could reach through the mike and draw the listener in.

At home, though, the resident feline was fading fast: Dashi, fourteen years old, a silver-grey tabby with blue eyes, a wide range of vocalization, and a personality ranging from ornery to enchanting. Early in the morning of the second day of recording, I realized there was no longer any doubt about what I had to do. Tears streaming, I called the vet, wrapped the cat in her favorite fleece blanket, and took her in.  She died cradled in my arms, barely thirty seconds after the final injection. It was hard, and awful, and yet right. She had a great life with me, and I saw her out of it as best I could. That, in itself, was a privilege.

“I should cancel the recording session,” I thought, but something in me said not to – that it would be good to lose myself for a few hours in total focus. By midday, I was back in the studio. “You are absolutely rocking it,” said the director, to whom I’d said nothing of what had happened. Then, with only the last chapter still to go (on what we mean what we talk about soul), I called a cigarette break and headed toward the door.

A man was leaving in front of me, and as he went through the door he kind of half-sang a “bye-bye” to everyone there. Something in me picked up on the lilt of it, and without even thinking, I began to sing “Bye Bye Blackbird.”

Here’s where I should say that I can’t sing. I mean, I’m no good at carrying a tune. I once took jazz lessons to try and deal with this, but enthusiasm without talent can only take you so far.

As I went out that door, however, I was singing perfectly. I could hear it: every note crystalline and pure. And I went on singing, my voice carrying through the rain on Seattle’s Fourth Avenue, the cigarette dangling unsmoked in my fingers as I let the song rise up into the grey sky, thinking all the while of Dashi.

And I knew as I sang that I’d never sing that beautifully again.

Dashi by Susie

 

(“Pack up all my care and woe, Here I go swingin’ low,  Bye bye blackbird / Where somebody waits for me,  Sugar’s sweet, so is she, Bye bye blackbird /No one here can love or understand me, Oh, what hard luck stories, they all hand me / Make my bed and light the light, I’ll be home late tonight, Blackbird bye bye.”)

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File under: agnosticism, existence | Tagged: Tags: Agnostic: A Spirited Manifesto, audio book, Bye Bye Blackbird, cat, death, singing, soul | 24 Comments
  1. Divya Debra Barter says:
    January 15, 2016 at 11:41 am

    Thank you for this beautiful story. I think I also will be able to walk on air when my “Dashi” leaves this world. Bye bye. Divya

    >

  2. Lerlen says:
    January 15, 2016 at 2:04 pm

    A beautiful story. I’m glad you could find solace in your work. Sorry for the loss of your cat

  3. dggraham says:
    January 15, 2016 at 2:07 pm

    What a wonderful tribute for a dear friend.

    Would that we could all be as fortunate.

  4. De Lise Frampton Hartzell says:
    January 15, 2016 at 2:39 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. Every time I lose an animal, gratitude is mixed with profound sorrow. Sending you lots of love.

    Ps-love Bye Bye Blackbird!

  5. Gustav Hellthaler JR says:
    January 15, 2016 at 2:41 pm

    Sorry for your loss, I know how it feels. I lost my favorite hiking companion the same way last year. Gus

  6. Robin says:
    January 15, 2016 at 5:39 pm

    Uniquely Lovely ~ Thanks for sharing such an intimate and sanguine experience, Lesley.
    Your spirit and Dashi’s soared, awhile, entwined ~

  7. Anne says:
    January 15, 2016 at 6:52 pm

    Whether the loss is cat, dog, horse, another critter, (or even some humans), it is terrible, so sad, and yet so beautiful. Sorry for the loss of your friend.

  8. lynnrosengiordano says:
    January 15, 2016 at 10:34 pm

    So sweet, so sweet. I remember Dashi well. Always will be with you, no question.

  9. Guy de la Rupelle says:
    January 16, 2016 at 12:15 am

    So beautiful. Thank you for sharing what must have been very private moments….and feelings.

  10. Sableyes says:
    January 16, 2016 at 2:44 am

    Hugs.

  11. Aterah says:
    January 16, 2016 at 5:24 am

    Sorry for your loss. Sounds like you had a real bond. And that’s a beautiful pic of Dashi. May her little soul rest in peace.

  12. Robert Ketterman says:
    January 16, 2016 at 10:51 am

    Sorry for your loss…releasing a loved pet companion is so very difficult. But Dashi gave you the voice to sing as a thank you for the Life well-lived! Namaste, Amen!

  13. Tea-mahm says:
    January 17, 2016 at 10:25 pm

    How very sad and beautiful, Lesley. From Annemarie Schimmel: remembering the Prophet’s fondness for cats, one Turkish saying is, “One who loves cats has strong faith.” Given your recent book, that has me smiling! Save questioning for religion and non-furry things like that… love and faith— for Dashi. Tamam

  14. Angel says:
    January 18, 2016 at 4:35 pm

    Big tears and so much love.

  15. Charlotte Heckscher says:
    January 19, 2016 at 6:02 am

    Beautiful and so moving. xx

  16. chakaoc says:
    January 19, 2016 at 11:30 pm

    Lesley – sorry to hear about Dashi…hail the seen and unseen companions in our lives.
    Casey

  17. Lesley Hazleton says:
    January 27, 2016 at 2:51 pm

    Thank you all so much. Am still surprised by how deeply embedded she was in my life. She lived well, and I miss her well. — L.

  18. Faruque says:
    February 3, 2016 at 6:16 pm

    Please try and stop smoking… I just started reading and hearing your stuff…we need more of you in this world…

    • Lesley Hazleton says:
      February 3, 2016 at 7:06 pm

      Too late, Faruque! I’ve given myself permission to stop trying to stop!

  19. Faruque says:
    February 5, 2016 at 9:05 am

    Sorry, I correct myself, her name was Maria or Mariyah. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maria_al-Qibtiyya.
    The reason I think it is of relevance is that this would contradict the assertion that he became impotent later in life, and hence no children with his wives after Khadija.

    • Lesley Hazleton says:
      February 5, 2016 at 10:19 am

      Re Maria and Ibrahim, may I suggest reading more than a sample chapter?!

  20. Lesley Hazleton says:
    February 5, 2016 at 10:18 am

    Right: youngest daughter.

    • Faruque says:
      February 6, 2016 at 9:34 am

      Hi Lesley, I realise this is not the place, but just for closure, as well as the way this thread started on why we still need more of you in this world, thanks for mentioning Mariya on page 10 of ‘After the Prophet..’ (not included in the ‘sample’ Amazon book).

      As you report, it isn’t clear if this story is true. But there is a story I read somewhere about how he just reached and held the 17 month old Ibrahim in his arms, and as he died, he let out a cry and a prayer that witnesses said could ‘render the heavens’ with tears. I don’t know if this could qualify as one of those ‘moments’ you look for in a story, which is so unbelievable that it’s probably true.

      Please keep writing and exploring the way you do. We will always need truth seekers in this world!

      best
      Faruque

  21. Faruque says:
    February 5, 2016 at 10:24 am

    Oh, and I did not mean you asserted his impotency, but many Sunni authors did apparently do so over time, …

Irony? Paradox? Life?

Posted October 1st, 2013 by Lesley Hazleton

The resident feline got the worst of a cat fight, is groggy on antibiotics and pain meds, and despite all the TLC, has somehow gotten out of the houseboat and gone into hiding under the raft, somewhere in the six inches or so between the top of the flotation logs and the bottom of the raft itself.   I’m very much afraid she won’t come out at all.

High anxiety.

I kayaked around the raft in the rain, flashlight in hand, calling for her. No response. Nothing to do but dry off and try to distract myself online, where I found that I’d been emailed an article on TEDGlobal by Steve Marsh in the current issue of Delta Airlines’ Sky_Magazine, with this lovely couple of paras on me:

TED’s sangfroid is ultimately a good thing. Case in point is my favorite talk of the week, given by Lesley Hazleton… A self-described “accidental theologist,” she examines the essential role doubt plays in any faith, making an example of the divine revelation of the Koran to the prophet Muhammad on a mountain outside of Mecca in 610. “ ‘Doubt,’ as Graham Greene once put it, ‘is the heart of the matter,’ ” she says. “Abolish all doubt, and what’s left is not faith, but absolute, heartless conviction.

Between sessions on Thursday, I buy Hazleton’s book, The First Muslim, and tell her that her talk reminded me of the Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard’s concept of despair. She uses the index in her book to find the passage that acknowledges the connection and signs my copy, ‘To Stephen—Knowing you’ll love a bio of Muhammad that bows in passing to Kierkegaard!’ Lesley Hazleton is cool.

Irony? Paradox? Life? All I know is that I just wish I could be cool about the missing feline…

——————————————————————————————

Update:

Uncool lasted eight hours.  Wounded cat finally emerged.  Florence Nightingale here back on the job.

—————————————————————————————–

Further update, October 9:

Healing well in progress.  Florence Nightingale retired.

—————————————————————————————-

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File under: existence | Tagged: Tags: cat, doubt, faith, Sky magazine, Steve Marsh, TEDGlobal, The First Muslim | 10 Comments
  1. mary scriver says:
    October 1, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Not to panic. Cats survive by consolidating and waiting in a safe place. Anyway, cats can swim fairly well — though they might not like it. Siamese cats live on boats and will even jump in after fish!

    Prairie Mary

    • Lesley Hazleton says:
      October 1, 2013 at 10:32 am

      Thanks, Mary, but this one is badly abscessed and in pain. She can swim, of course (cat paddle is like a frantically speeded-up dog paddle), but that’s not the issue. It’s dry under the rafts, and dark, and inaccessible to humans, and sick cats have gone to die there in the past. I’ll call in divers to try to find her if she doesn’t emerge by tomorrow morning.

  2. Karen says:
    October 1, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    Saint Anthony is the patron saint of lost items. I’m sure he hears the prayers of theologists first. (This was our childhood prayer — “Saint Anthony – Saint Anthony – please come around. Something’s been lost and cannot be found.”) I hope your feline friend returns home soon, Lesley.

    • Lesley Hazleton says:
      October 1, 2013 at 3:26 pm

      Hi Karen — just updated with return of the prodigal wounded feline (maybe she’s Catholic and responds to Saint Anthony?)

  3. Jane Spickett says:
    October 1, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    A hard loss but, if she has chosen her place to die, I can only admire her. Still, I hope she returns and you can be present to each other when she leaves.

    • Lesley Hazleton says:
      October 2, 2013 at 8:14 am

      Thanks, Jane. She’s emerged, and seems to be slowly healing. But yes, you’re right: my hope would be to hold her as she dies. Which I realize might conflict with her instinct. Like most cats, she’s remarkably independent minded.

  4. Lynn Rosen says:
    October 2, 2013 at 12:06 am

    So glad to learn of the return of the prodigal feline. Most all of us do go off to heal without sympathetic bystanders pestering us.
    St. Jude of the Impossible is also one of my favourites. He always worked when I was taking finals or facing something, well, impossible.

    • Lesley Hazleton says:
      October 2, 2013 at 8:18 am

      Looks like this agnostic Jew now has two patron saints: Anthony plus Jude the Impossible!
      I find it interesting that in my high anxiety yesterday, I lit a candle and put it in the window. This is uncharacteristic. I’m not a candle-and-crystals kind of person, as you know, but it did offer a small warm flicker of comfort.

  5. "Hatch" Khazvini says:
    October 2, 2013 at 9:17 am

    I am an admirer of your writing, having read two of your recent books with great interest – but being an animal lover, and more specifically, being part of possibly the only NGO in India that cares (mainly) for cats, I’m now an admirer of the person as well. Nice going, hope your liittle lady heals and is back in action soon.

    • Lesley Hazleton says:
      October 2, 2013 at 9:57 am

      Thanks, Hatch — fingers crossed.

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