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What Happens When We Eat Together

Posted February 24th, 2013 by Lesley Hazleton

Let me say this upfront:  I’m lousy at interfaith gatherings.  They tend to have an oddly stilted feel.  There’s something of Tarzan and Jane about them: “Me Jew, you Muslim, we friends.”  Far better, I’ve long thought, to get together on a small scale, over the dinner table.  Cook together, break bread together, drink together, and allow the conversation to develop without that weirdly over-determined self-consciousness.

That’s part of what so impressed me in the response of New Zealanders Khayreyah Amani Wahaab and her husband Jason Kennedy to an Islamophobic rant (Muslims shouldn’t be allowed on airplanes, etc) by Richard Prosser, a New Zealand member of parliament:  as I reported here, they invited him to dinner.

And he came to dinner.  Here’s Khayreyah’s post on it last night on her Facebook page:

Tandoori-Chicken3Mr Richard Prosser has just left our house after having a lovely dinner of home-cooked tandoori chicken, salad and roti with raitha. He was very realistic about owning the words he said, but was very clear that whilst he is never going to apologize to terrorists, he is very apologetic and contrite about the hurt and whatever damage he has caused the rest of the Muslim community. He understands, accepts and recognises that the vast majority of Muslims are not terrorist types and have the same fears, values and aspirations that he does.

We both agreed that aviation security is a wider issue that does need to be addressed [Kahyreyrah has a degree in aviation management — LH], as well as that of Muslims having a louder voice in condemning extremists and their actions. Jason and I both thanked him in the end, since if it wasn’t for his brash words written in a news column, then we would not have identified these needs, that ultimately will benefit the entirety of New Zealand. All three of us are willing to forge a way forward for Muslims in New Zealand in order to make it a happier, safer place, and leading the world in Islamic – Western relations.

Richard did say, interestingly, that of all the mail, comments etc he received from people following the article, our letter by far made him feel worse than all the others. He finds himself to be a person who can deal with anger and resentment being directed towards him but felt out of place dealing with outreach born of love and a desire for understanding. Ultimately both sides agreed that we need to see each other as a whole and not just what the media had chosen to portray, that we cannot expect fair judgement if only one facet of ourselves are exposed to said judgement. We ended the night with a short TedX video of Lesley Hazleton’s talk about being a tourist in the Quran and we promised to have future interactions with a view to improving NZ as a whole. — with Jason Kennedy

Glad to have played a small supporting role.

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File under: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, sanity | Tagged: Tags: dinner, Islamophobia, Jason Kennedy, Khayreyah Wahaab, New Zealand, Richard Prosser | 7 Comments
  1. abbasij says:
    February 24, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    The moral is, we need to see each other as a whole and not just what media has chosen to portray.

  2. Muhammad Shukri bin Yaacob says:
    February 24, 2013 at 11:50 pm

    Ms.Hazleton,I watched and listened attentively to your talk on Quran,more than once.It is amazing and enrich my understanding.Thank you for your objective take on Islam.However,I think you should lay your claim on frontiers explored.What becomes of an explorer if after exploring the uncharted areas then just leave to others to benefit.You have found Islam,accept it.

    • Lesley Hazleton says:
      February 25, 2013 at 8:46 am

      Thank you, but… I respect your Islam; please respect my agnosticism.

  3. William Branch says:
    February 25, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    Sharing a community meal used to have a powerful symbology; it meant that all who shared were part of the same tribe. As sharing in a family meal meant that all who shared were part of the same family, in Semitic culture, within the boundaries of the “haram”. Worse yet if it involved sharing food that was not as “chalal/kosher” as what you normally ate. What if they were dressed or undressed in a strange way?

    This is a powerful challenge to our sense of self and of belonging (both of the ego), inciting the strongest prejudiced response in all people. How would you feel if some stranger entered your home without asking, sat down at your table, and proceeded to eat a meal with you using your supplies and his, in the presence of your own family members? That would take great forbearance for anyone to tolerate.

    How much more would it take to get beyond mere tolerance to a full embrace of “the other”? Though each society has its own way of de-fanging “the other” or its own children thru the customs of hospitality and parenting. Perhaps it is enough to realize that “the other” sees us just as much a stranger as we see them. Yet this is essentially the problem we have in a global village that we were unprepared for. Difference in metaphysics is small compared to our preference for the familiar.

    • Lesley Hazleton says:
      February 25, 2013 at 1:46 pm

      Made me think of the phrase “getting to know each other” — emphasis on “other.” The progression from ‘they’ to ‘you’ to ‘we.’

      • William Branch says:
        February 25, 2013 at 2:17 pm

        By Jove, you’ve got it! Human beings usually live with profoundly unconscious and unexamined reflexes learned in infancy and childhood … that much Dr Freud may be correct about. Usually our conscious beliefs are concocted to provide a rationalization for these reflexes, though usually profoundly simple (nudity, eating, touching et al), they are very hard to address with any skepticism, if we can be brought to think about them at all.

        Personal boundaries are a big assumption … starting with our own personhood and extending out to our many associates in complicated inter-related rings. A conversion experience if one has one, involves a profound reorientation of this whole architecture. We articulate in our thought, spoken language, and written language, a blueprint of all of this, from our own “north pole” position, as vast as our ability to attach labels to the sum of our human experience.

        The pronouns are among the oldest and most conservative words in any language (explicit or implicit depending on the language). I, thou, he/she/it, we, y’all (in my own dialect) and they. Sometimes these pronouns are “sexed” with two or more genders in languages more complicated than English (not a legitimate language, but a creole or pidgin), making this even more complicated. In some languages which pronoun you use even depends on your social class and the social class of the person you are addressing.

      • pah says:
        March 17, 2013 at 7:10 am

        belated reply
        i think ignorance plus arrogance is what truly separates us.
        and therin lies the problem, so your blog goes a long way to bringing us all together, so i agree with your progression from “me’ to “thee” keep up the good work, Lesley!

Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner

Posted February 13th, 2013 by Lesley Hazleton

When things seemed to be getting ever worse in the Middle East — as they always seemed to, and still do — we’d look at each other and say, wistfully, “There’s always New Zealand.”  New Zealand, for us, was the image of peacefulness, where nothing ugly ever happened.  We didn’t enquire too closely.

But of course even New Zealand has its bigots.  Like Richard Prosser, a Member of Parliament from the right-wing New Zealand First party, who two days ago published an ugly Islamophobic rant suggesting, among other things, that Muslims be banned from air travel.

So an Auckland Muslim sat down and wrote an open letter in response, and today it appeared in The New Zealand Herald.  I”m running it in full here because I’m bowled over by the wisdom and grace of it, and because it gets better and better as it goes on:

Dear Mr Prosser,

Unbeknown to myself, I am your enemy.

I consider this strange as I have never met you and harbour no ill will toward you. I am certain that if I walked past you on the street your suspicions would not be raised. If you were a customer in my shop I am certain you would not suspect that I pose your family any risk. For you see, I am Muslim, I am 30, and I am also white. Throw in the fact that I am an American expatriate – accent and all – and I possess quite the subterfuge. After all, I could sit next to you on a flight, our arms negotiating the armrest for space, and you would think nothing of it. And yet if between us the subject of religion arose, my reply would disable you with fear.

Or so your column would lead me to believe.

I am writing an open letter to you out of sympathy, respect, and the desire for understanding. I do not write this so publicly in order to give your opinions greater status than they deserve. Instead, I hope to circumvent your vitriol from tainting the views of other people who, through lack of personal experience with the Muslim community, may be susceptible to your very limited and ignorant view of our religion and families.

I will start by, ironically, providing you with some defence. It is absolutely your right to speak your mind freely with whatever opinions you so wish. That is one of the great liberties of this nation.

But let me be clear: speaking your mind is your right as a private citizen. As a Member of Parliament, you are a public servant, and your public opinions need to be more carefully delivered. You must be aware that the words of MPs are granted greater political legitimacy than those of private citizens.

It is frightening when someone with so much power to sway the opinions of others is so cavalier in his delivery. We entrust MPs to make defensible, rational, and sympathetic judgments in pursuit of the common good. Counter to this, your words seek to generate divisiveness by fostering an indefensible ‘us’ versus ‘them’ mentality.

Do you actually believe Muslims are so different to you that we should be trusted less than any other human being? Wherefore this presumption that those who commit terrible crimes in the name of Islam are actually considered heroes or true Muslims by the rest of us? Are we really so homologous to you? Woe to the Sikh or Hindu who you might accidentally recognise for a Muslim in your eagerness to incite fear, all the while I, the unrecognisable white Muslim, sits next to you.

For you see, if the subject of religion is never broached between us, you will feel safer the entire trip knowing you sit next to a safe and reliable Pakeha. Let me assure you, I want that plane to land safely just as much as you do. I have family and friends who I want to be around for a good long time, and so do they.

The only reason I can think that you would harbour such ill-sentiment is that you have very little first-hand experience with Muslims. I can relate. I was not born into a Muslim family. However, with age I came to recognise my beliefs were congruent with Islam. That seemed a bit of a scary prospect, as I am sure you can appreciate that there is a great deal of Islamophobia in the United States, as well.

Once I actually met some Kiwi Muslims, I quickly realised my presumptions were entirely inaccurate. Muslim culture is not some monolithic fiction. Muslims are just like the majority of Kiwis: we love our summer barbecues, we avidly follow the All Blacks’ domination of rugby, we wear jandals, we buy fish n’ chips down the road. You see, Muslims come from all different backgrounds. I was born in the US and descend from Irish stock. My wife was born in Fiji, and her Indian ancestors were relocated during the British slave trade. Many Kiwi Muslims are from India, the Middle East, east Africa, Indonesia, and Malaysia. We have all come here to share in what it means to be Kiwi. Between us we have a similar pathway to God, but we also respect that every non-Muslim is on their own pathway to God.

Your family and my family, we are each equally Kiwi, despite the fact that we may worship differently. We are equal to you in many other ways: my wife and I both happily pay the highest tax rate, our business creates revenue and employment for many New Zealanders, and our education benefits the New Zealand economy. We are even socially and politically active (gasp!).

If you think supporting terror is somehow intrinsic to Islam, or is somehow an inevitability of our religion, ask anyone in the Muslim community here: no one supports any act of violence or terror against any other living being, human or animal. That is what we call haram in Islam, which means “forbidden by God”. We have no support for terrorists who do such horrible things, and we cannot understand how they can call themselves Muslims. Their actions are entirely incompatible with Islam.

In order to establish better communication on this issue, my wife and I would like to invite you to dinner at our place the next time you are in Auckland. We would like to hear your story, and we would like to share ours. I believe that if you would grant us the pleasure of your company, it will give you a much more enlightened perspective on Muslims and Islam in general. I will leave my contact details with the editor if you wish to make good on our offer.

khayreyahTwo enemies who wish
to be your friends,
Jason (Naveed) Kennedy and
Khayreyah Wahaab

Update:  Prosser has accepted the invitation to dinner.  I’m sorely tempted to start a contest for suggestions as to what will be on the menu, but that wouldn’t do justice to the spirit of Jason Kennedy and Khayreyah Wahaab.  Talk about the better angels of our nature…!

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File under: Islam, sanity | Tagged: Tags: Islamophobia, Jason Kennedy, Khayreyah Wahaab, New Zealand, Richard Prosser | 4 Comments
  1. Ross says:
    February 13, 2013 at 11:34 pm

    Please, anyone reading this, don’t think that most New Zealanders share this man’s bigotry. I lived and worked there for the bulk of my vocational life and my children are Kiwis. Maori culture, they say, runs like a golden thread through the whole country and its people and elicits a tolerance and comradeship.

  2. Saimã Abbasi says:
    February 14, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    Honestly this is what every Muslim thinks who is interacting with such non Muslims. Because of some people why to condemn all Muslims, why to blame Islam? He said it all. In everyday life you and me are not different, yes our believes are different, so are our faces, our personalities, our whole lives are different from each other and still we both are, we all are humans, sharing this beautiful earth and universe. Isn’t it so?

  3. Sandra says:
    February 14, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    I live in NZ and remember the disbelief and shock when I heard it on the radio, I have not met anyone who has agreed with this view and I feel sad it makes headlines elsewhere.
    This is not a typical kiwi thinking or belief.

  4. pah says:
    February 26, 2013 at 7:32 am

    lovely letter, like the invite to dinner bit…perfect.
    also, to make a point, Eastern European Muslims are white, and you could easily be sitting next to a Muslim from Eastern Europe…..the world never seems to learn and it is so sad

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